It's been a moment since I've written to my blog. It's been a long few months with many things to do. A long month at home with Lotus while Yale starts a new job ( which he loves).
I bow down to the Stay At Home Parent. It's one thing to be at home and have two of you around. It's a whole other ball game when it's just you. It's a whole other ball game when trying to balance work and baby.
What I'm finding is, Lotus's extreme attachment to me. I love that she loves her mommy, I love being a mom to her and, it's hard. It's hard when she is depending on me for everything and the moment I leave the room, walk away for a second, she starts to cry. It's the kind of cry that tears your insides out wondering if you're ever going to be a good mother. Wondering, if you're really crazy because you just want a little me time.
Since the day Lotus was born I have taken her with me on the road. Daddy has been in nursing school where he has earned National Honors, and, it's not like he can take her to class with him. My job offers me that flexibility although, it also means I don't always get a break. And, sometimes mommy does need a break.
One of the ways I am trying to remedy this situation is, to invite another mother over to share in the day. The object is to allow our children to run around and socialize and, us to be able to relate to another grown up. We have decided that we can go to the park, a walk or, let them play in the room while we do our nails, talk about motherhood and our lives before and after.
Trust me it may appear trivial but it's needed and I can't wait to get started. Then eventually we will leave each other kids over to watch so that perhaps, we can enjoy a day out with our husbands. ... I am not being exclusive here btw, I get there are many variations of family and ours happens to involve male counterparts....
I know that motherhood is one of the hardest jobs, but, sometimes staying at home with the baby for a week when it's been raining outside is about all I can take. It's not easy trying to balance looking for a job, keeping up with blogging, FB, Twitter and, hoping that family can babysit on the day you have a possible job interview. Or, hoping today she will want to take her nap along in the crib.
And, then there is the feeling of loosing your identity. I sometimes forget who I am or who I was before motherhood. My brain literally shrunk during pregnancy and is just know expanding back. When I speak to people I find myself not being able to always formulate complete sentences. I forget that I am still strong, dynamic, funny, able to hold down a career and be the best damn mommy ever.
This is a phase that I know is sure to pass, but when? As much as I signed on for motherhood is just as much as I want to be able to keep working in my chosen career and keep a part of who I was before alive.
I am writing this, to complain and whine. I am writing this to be an honest mother who loves her family and herself. To let other mothers know that they are not alone in their feelings. And, I just like you are trying to find my way through this thing called PARENTHOOD.